Hey guys! Just got my blog back from Charlie Sheen. Seriously, he had it locked up in a hotel room in Vegas and when he finally handed it over it had a black eye and was covered in cocaine.
In case you've missed any of the Charlie Sheen Nightmare PR Tour 2011, here's how it's happened: he did an interview with TMZ where he went completely off the rails, his rep quit, he called his rep a "pussy" and then fired him (even though he'd already quit) and then proceeded to spew pure 100% uncut crazy like a mighty insane fountain all over several media outlets which were, quite frankly, friggin' tired of talking about the Middle East.
Snort an entire briefcase of cocaine, Gaddafi, and then maybe we'll give a shit.
It all culminated last night when Chuck appeared on a special episode of Piers Morgan (in case you're not familiar, he's the guy who replaced Larry King after being kicked out of the UK because no one can stand his BS) to defend his lifestyle. If anyone here can name a better quote than "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars", then I will give you the password for this blog right now and never write in it again.
Hahahaha old ass clipart is stupid.
There are a lot of people on either side of the "exploitation" fence, and I'm not gonna get too far into whether or not it's morally okay to have Crazy Eyes Sheen on your show when he's obviously going through some kind of mental freakout. I think to some extent if you get into a career in showbiz, you accept that everything you do it going to be in the public eye, for better or for worse. Some people have presented evidence that he's suffering from a mental disorder (specifically bipolar disorder) and if that's true, it sucks, and he needs help. But all that PC wishy-washy crap aside, here are some real gems from his Piers Morgan interview, in quote form (non-bolded bits are Piers):
"It's been a tsunami of media... and I'm ridin' it on a mercury surfboard."
"Which bender are we talking about?" "The one with 5 women coming out of your house..." "Yeaahhh, I didn't know there was going to be a math test."
"Until you stopped, you were taking a lot of cocaine." "Well I didn't take it, I had to pay for it."
"I hadn't done it (cocaine) for a while... like seven hours..."
"No. No. Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed."
"She was attacking me, though. Um. With a, like a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. She had it with her, that was the weird thing."
"I have a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7 year old."
"You can't talk about this stuff on television." "They why did you?" "I don't know, I was on crack."
MMMAAAHHHH!!
...Yep, Charlie Sheen is pretty much the coolest person ever. That one interview was more entertaining than every episode of his terrible show combined. Honestly, assuming the dude isn't bipolar or schizophrenic or otherwise in need of serious help, I say let him live his life. If he wants to go out in a blazing streak of cocaine, money, hookers, and hookers covered in cocaine and money, then goddamnit, that's his right.
In a similar vein, I'm betting that every woman Charlie ever wronged is writhing gleefully in a mountain of rainbows covered in synthetic kitten fur right now, basking in the knowledge that the world will never disbelieve that he's crazier than a shithouse rat ever, ever again.
In case you didn't get to see this spectacular spectacle on live television, here's some of what you missed:
Whenever I feel shitty about Wednesdays I just throw my arms out wide and yell 'WELCOME TO WEDNESDAY" in the deepest circus announcer voice I can muster. It does help, a little bit. Trust me.
Today on the show, Cub and I got to hang out with and talk to actor slash stand up comedian Claire Brosseau. I'll admit I had a total girlcrush on her, which is trés unfortch because she's currently 268 days into a period of self-imposed celibacy. Check out her stuff, she's pretty awesome.
I'd like to know who in Hollywood sits around poolside smoking a big cigar in a cashmere robe (all of my Hollywood fantasies are set in the 1960s) and thinks to himself, "I should really throw another ridiculous project at William Shatner".
The Shat is currently "starring" in TV "show" Shit My Dad Says, and will be pumping out yet another ill-advised musical effort in the coming months. This time he's pairing up with metal god Zakk Wylde for an album of what he describes as metal covers but so totally isn't. For example, he'll be covering Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, which means I will buy the album just to hear Captain Kirk trilling "SCARAMOUCHE! SCARAMOUCHE!". I will buy ten copies of the album so I can play them all simultaneously and just die of audio overload. I don't even care if it cuts into my Jack Daniels money.
Because I'm worth it.
I was really hoping to never talk or think about this again, but that godawful Super Bowl halftime show keeps coming up and people ask me what I thought about it. Truthfully, I've seen BEP live (don't judge, I didn't pay for the tickets) and it's about on par with what their live show usually sounds like. In case you missed it, it's right here:
And adding to the clusterfuck that was the musical "talent" at Super Bowl XLV, here's Christina Aguilera flubbing the Star Spangled Banner:
Now Fergie has spoken out to defend Christina's mistake, saying that she's still one of the best singers in the world and it could have happened to anyone. Yeah, anyone who doesn't know the words to their own goddamn national anthem, which I'm pretty sure is just children under 4 and the severely handicapped. A popstar who once pissed her pants on stage defending another popstar who may be legally entitled to a really convenient parking space - yeah, that's credible.
"Is a rampart, like, a different way to do your hair?"
Hey guys, my Internet isn't working at home so I'm writing this from a Starbucks and it's seriously the douchiest thing I've ever done so I'm gonna try to knock this one out in 5 minutes or less and then get the hell outta here. Sorry if it's not funny - if you need a laugh that bad picture me frantically typing this thing out while suspiciously eyeing everyone in American Apparel sweater dresses in case anyone tries to get me to buy a $15 latte or join Greenpeace or something. Okay, here goes.
Have you ever broken up with someone right before Valentine's Day just so you wouldn't have to buy him or her a gift? Of course you have, ya cheap bastard. It's possible that horrific and ultimately douchebaggy trend is spreading to the music world - feels like a ton of bands are breaking up lately and it hurts my wee little heart.
The White Stripes broke up last week, of course, and now LCD Soundsystem is calling it quits. I know, I know - the news came out on Saturday and it's Monday, but I take my weekends off, you ungrateful little turds!
They'll be playing their final show in Madison Square Gardens on April 2. If you're from Halifax like me and you have wads and wads of extra cash billowing from under your mattress every time you lay down, tickets go on sale this Friday (the 11th). I'm betting $50 that their encore will be New York, I Love You and everyone will have a good cry.
Maybe they'll drop a bunch of acid at the show and re-form as LSD Soundsystem!
...sorry, that was lame.
In happier news, remember how Death From Above 1979 were getting back together to play Coachella? Don't panic, it's still happening - but it may be more permanent than we thought. My favourite little chicken Sebastien Grainger posted on his website this morning announcing that for a bunch of reasons including numerology and China and some shit, he's getting back together with Jesse to make sweet sweet music forever and ever.
Please allow me to have your bearded hipster babies. Ironically.
U2's show in Johannesburg, South Africa may be in danger after a shady, mysterious thief stole a bunch of cabling or wires or I don't know I'm not a scientist and now they can't turn on the lights, or something. Seriously, I don't even care enough to read the article. But this just seems too easy. Steal some stuff and U2 won't show up? Anyone have a flatbed truck big enough to help me cart away all of Magnetic Hill?
Fuckin' Magnetic Hill, how does it work?
And finally, here's the lineup for Sasquatch music festival. It was released today. I wasn't kidding about needing to get the F out of here, that's literally all you get about it.
What would you do if you walked into your home and found a rando just chillin' in your living room? Most people would freak out, call the cops, grab a baseball bat, spontaneously urinate, etc. But Moby - famed bald enemy of Eminem and, oh yeah, he did some electronica crap too - walked in on that very situation and stayed as calm and low-key as his album sales post-2002. Dude was tripping balls on acid, so Moby did the reasonable thing to do - gave him a sweater and some money and sent him on his merry way (probably to the cake forest so he could battle an unholy mirror demon in a swirling ham-scented fog).
Please be my friend, acid-man. Please.
It's almost always an honor to have something named after you. For instance, I couldn't be prouder of the Floydian Well of Shame, also known as my bathtub (but only early Sunday mornings). Fred Durst may be receiving a more dubious accolade in the next few weeks, however. A waste services centre in Texas has opened a poll to the public, asking them to name their new facility. The name of the centre should, according to the Department, "better reflect all of the services the Department provides" -- which includes rubbish collection, litter control and "household hazardous waste disposal". So far (with a lead of over 10,000 votes) the winner is 'Fred Durst Society of the Humanities and Arts'.
...LOLOLOLOLFOREVER
Also on the moniker shortlist is the "George W. Bush Institution of WMD Removal" and "Austin Dept. Of Are You Going To Eat That?". People in Texas are hilarious! Who knew?!
GIVE ME SOMETHIN' TO BREAK RECYCLE!
The Foo Fighters have announced that they have finished work on a long form documentary which will chronicle the 16 years thus far of their careers. We're also anticipating the release of their new album sometime this spring. I'm hoping the documentary has at least an hour of footage that's just Dave Grohl violently chewing the shit out of a piece of gum.
The doc will debut at the SXSW festival next month and I personally can't wait to see it. The Foo Fighters have had such a long and successful career. And to think, it all started with the murder of one man.
Sorry about the lack of post yesterday. My blog was all snowed in and I just got it dug out.
So the biggest news in the past 24 hours is that the White Stripes have officially broken up. And during Black History Month, too. How insensitive! Back in December we were promised a new White Stripes album, and it appeared that they were gearing up to write new music and embark on another international tour. Then - BAM! - White Stripes go bye bye. Why?
As it says on their website, it's not because of some bullshit cliché reason like "creative differences" or "health issues" - they say they want to preserve everything that was good about the White Stripes. I'm sure that is true in part, but I suspect it has more to do with their label than they're letting on. Most bands don't start the process of releasing a new album and then abruptly stop if there isn't any fighting going on among the band members, health issues, Black Keys-style fauxhaustion, et cetera. I'm guessing they found themselves in some sort of abusive situation with their label and decided to give them the major middle finger rather than bow to whatever terms they were supposed to abide by.
Lots of people are now ripping on the White Stripes after their demise (I'm looking at you, forum nerds). Why? Ohhh, because they can't play their instruments. Allegedly. Come on, guys. Sure, Meg White isn't the world's best drummer, but can you imagine Neil Peart or Mike Portnoy or John Bonham behind the kit in the White Stripes? It would sound totally different. Their simplistic, garage-rock-throwback style was what made the music appealing to fans. And to those hatin' on Jack White's musical chops - Kurt Cobain was kind of a shitty guitarist. Think about it.
At least we still have the Raconteurs and the Dead Weather. Jack's side projects aren't quite the White Stripes, but they're still really effin' good. And Meg - well, Meg still has those magnificent breasts.
Anyway, this post is getting really long and I can just hear some people frothing at the mouth while screaming HURRR DURRR WHURRRR ARE THE PICTURES so I'll go to the White Stripes' website and try to find some sort of image to share with you that's relevant.
Here we go:
Wait a sec...
What the...
I swear to god if that says
FUCK YOU WHITE STRIPES YOU ILLITERATE PRICKS I HOPE YOU STAY BROKEN UP FOREVER AHHHHHH
The second worst* show in the history of television has come to a close, and we have a winner(?). Her name is Allyson Donovan, and 600,000 absolute wastes of oxygen watched her get her lips, tits, and pretty much everything else sculpted, injected, and vacuumed in order to achieve the "perfect" wedding day. In case you missed the premise of the show, a bunch of brides-to-be competed in challenges to win minor plastic surgery procedures and the grand prize of an extravagant wedding and full-body makeover courtesy of America's finest nippers and tuckers.
Here's a helpful tip for the contestants: no amount of plastic surgery will fix your relationships, and no amount of Botox can cure stupid. Also, dudes: I like to give you dating tips from the female perspective as often as I can. Gotta help a brother out, you know? So here's an important one. If the girl you're interested in has Bridalplasty on her DVR, RUN. RUN AWAY.
I'm getting a uvula reduction right after I get the bottoms of my feet lifted!
Arcade Fire is getting some hate from a director they've worked with in the past. Vincent Moon shot a video called Miroir Noir, a sort of long-form documentary about the band, in 2008. Based on a recent interview, it sounds like they left a sour taste in his mouth. Vince sez:
They’re not good people, that’s it. And I don’t mean the whole band—I mean the leaders of the band and their management. What I hate about the band now is that people call them an indie band and they’re not an indie band, they are a mainstream band. Maybe they’re on an indie label but that doesn’t mean anything. Those guys are just making things on a very big level, a very mainstream way of thinking. The way they deal with their business is really disgusting for me. The way they deal with things is awful. Their management are awful, awful people, and I know what I’m talking about. I have some really terrible stories with them.
While we're on the topic of rivalries, Johnny Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) of the Sex Pistols has taken aim at Jay-Z over his "parody" of a career. Yep, Johnny Rotten thinks that everything Jay-Z has put out is utter bollocks. It doesn't matter whether or not you like hip hop - unless you're a total shoegazing hipster doofus (as Cub likes to say), you can at least recognize that he is among the greats in that genre. The Sex Pistols are obviously also up there when it comes to punk music, but I think ol' J.R. needs to be taken down a peg - so here are some sample Sex Pistol lyrics:
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
There was fuck all else to do
And also:
I'm a lazy sod
I'm a lazy sod
I'm a lazy sod
Lazy
I'm a lazy sod
I'm not a lazy snood
I'm a lazy sod
Lazy!
...yyyyep.
This, truly, is the face of a genius.
*The title of Worst Show Ever is reserved for Toddlers & Tiaras. At least the "contestants" on Bridalplasty know exactly what they're getting into, as do the absolute mouthbreathers who choose to stay with them. These poor 3-year-olds are being shoved into cone bras and made to prance around to terrible music and their parents probably lied and told them they were going to Disney World. Assholes.
It's the last slam for January! How'd the month treat you? Personally, I thought it was total sh!t with a few exceptions. Here's to February - a short month closer to spring with fewer days in which to spend all your money. Wheee!
We all know that Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy are hooking up, rolling in the hay, doing the horizontal mambo... in short, they're having sexual intercourse. Procreative sexual intercourse at that - Kate's preggers with Matt's beautiful British rockerbaby (take that, Josh and Brody!). Do you ever wonder what they get up to when they're not getting down? Yeah, me either... but apparently it involves grammar lessons. Matt's all proper and speaks the King's English and crap, so he often finds himself correcting American slob Kate. Highest on his list: changing her "can I"s to "could I"s and erasing the word "like" from her vocabulary. It must be tough on him - after all, the most difficult thing she's read thus far is the script for How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, which co-stars the barely literate Matthew McConaughey.
YOU LET OUR LOVE FERN DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!
I am nearly wetting my leopard print tights over the upcoming release of a brand-spankin-new (what does that even mean, anyway?) Foo Fighters album. Dave Grohl is pretty much my husband - even if he doesn't know it yet - and the teasers they've put out sound phenomenal. They previewed the entire album for a very lucky crowd in a tiny bar in Santa Barbara. The opening band was a fake Mariachi band DOING COVERS OF THEIR OWN SONGS. This may have been the most magical show in all of history. But I wasn't there, so I'll hand the narrative reins over to someone who was.
Marry me and I'll supply all the gum you can forcefully chew.
A few weeks ago on the Slam we were making fun of rapper Gucci Mane who up and got an ice cream cone tattooed on his face. He's off the hook now, though. T-Pain - who you may remember from this video - has gone hi-tech (and trendy in the midst of this movie awards season!) and got himself a Facebook tattoo. Sadly for all of us, in real life - as on Facebook - there is no "dislike" button.
Someone show me how to work this Auto Tune thing so I can create a chart-topping single from my grunts of displeasure.
