Hollywood Slam - January 31, 2011

It's the last slam for January!  How'd the month treat you?  Personally, I thought it was total sh!t with a few exceptions.  Here's to February - a short month closer to spring with fewer days in which to spend all your money.  Wheee!

We all know that Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy are hooking up, rolling in the hay, doing the horizontal mambo... in short, they're having sexual intercourse.  Procreative sexual intercourse at that - Kate's preggers with Matt's beautiful British rockerbaby (take that, Josh and Brody!).  Do you ever wonder what they get up to when they're not getting down?  Yeah, me either... but apparently it involves grammar lessons.  Matt's all proper and speaks the King's English and crap, so he often finds himself correcting American slob Kate.  Highest on his list:  changing her "can I"s to "could I"s and erasing the word "like" from her vocabulary.  It must be tough on him - after all, the most difficult thing she's read thus far is the script for How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, which co-stars the barely literate Matthew McConaughey.

YOU LET OUR LOVE FERN DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

I am nearly wetting my leopard print tights over the upcoming release of a brand-spankin-new (what does that even mean, anyway?) Foo Fighters album.  Dave Grohl is pretty much my husband - even if he doesn't know it yet - and the teasers they've put out sound phenomenal.  They previewed the entire album for a very lucky crowd in a tiny bar in Santa Barbara.  The opening band was a fake Mariachi band DOING COVERS OF THEIR OWN SONGS.   This may have been the most magical show in all of history.  But I wasn't there, so I'll hand the narrative reins over to someone who was.

Marry me and I'll supply all the gum  you can forcefully chew.

A few weeks ago on the Slam we were making fun of rapper Gucci Mane who up and got an ice cream cone tattooed on his face.  He's off the hook now, though.  T-Pain - who you may remember from this video - has gone hi-tech (and trendy in the midst of this movie awards season!) and got himself a Facebook tattoo.  Sadly for all of us, in real life - as on Facebook - there is no "dislike" button.

 Someone show me how to work this Auto Tune thing so I can create a chart-topping single from my grunts of displeasure.

Hollywood Slam - January 28, 2011

What's cuter than regular babies?  Rock'n'roll babies.  It'll be the second for badass power couple Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age, Them Crooked Vultures, Eagles of Death Metal) and Brody Dalle (The Distillers, Spinnerette), who got hitched in 2007 and already have a 5 year old girl named Camille Harley Joan.  I don't even have anything snarky to say about this - they're both awesome people (I have a huge girlcrush on Brody) and I wish them the best with baby #2!

He may look innocent, but this baby totally just lit a cop car on fire.

 

 

 Musicals are the new trend in rock'n'roll - blame Glee or whatever you like but I think you'll see more of them popping up in this decade.  Green Day started the most recent resurgence with American Idiot on Broadway, and the Decemberists are rumoured to be following suit and even working with the same creative team.  Time for a chick to step onto the stage, right?!

Now, I'm not trying to be a hater, but I would have preferred someone like Brody (although she's preggers so that's off the agenda for a while, at least) or maybe Joan Jett - someone along those  lines.  Instead, we're getting... Tori Amos?  I'll admit I was totally into her in junior high, but you gotta wonder what kind of show she'll be putting on.  In case you haven't noticed, her lyrics don't make any goddamn sense.

I never was a cornflake girl, whatever the f*ck that means.

 

 

Hollywood Slam - January 27, 2011

Good AND bad news if you're a fan of sweetass music festivals.  The bad news is for all of you out there who were waffling over whether or not to hit up Coachella this year - the festival just sold out in record time.  Your chance to see Kanye West and all 103 members of Arcade Fire wearing the same hipster glasses on the same stage has, sadly, slipped away.

However, if you're more a fan of the local stuff, HPX 2011 is now accepting artist submissions for the next Pop Explosion this October.  This year they're taking electronic submissions too, so you don't have to worry about the potential cost of mailing in a demo. 

Don't ever let Kanye see this picture.

 

I'm really effing sick of this whole KoL/Glee feud, so I hope this will be the last time I need to update y'all on it:  drummer Nathan Followill tweeted at Gleeator Ryan Murphy yesterday and said:

 

"Dear Ryan Murphy, let it go. See a therapist, get a manicure, buy a new bra. Zip your lip and focus on educating seven year-olds how to say fuck." 

Mmmkay.  So Ryan Murphy sez:

"That's [Followill] a homophobe badly in need of some education.  I'm all for manicures, don't wear a bra. Would guess most gay dudes don't. It's telling that Nathan can reduce a group of people to a mean-spirited cliché, in a time where young gay men are killing themselves all over the country because of hatred like this.

"That said, I would love to sit down with Nathan or any member of Kings and Leon [sic], and tell them how on Glee we actually love their music, and support their artistry… but cannot condone or even laugh at their clear disdain of gay people."

Wait a sec, Ryan Murphy, how you gonna call someone an asshole for not wanting to be on your shitty show and then try to take the moral high ground?!  But there's more!  Nathan replied:

"I'm sorry for anyone that misconstrued my comments as homophobic or misogynistic. I'm so not that kind of person. I really do apologise."

May I interest you in this book?

 

 

YOUR KIDDING ME

omg.  omfg, actually.

Clothing manufacturer Wet Seal is selling this shirt as part of its women's collection:

People more intelligent than anyone who works for Wet Seal naturally pointed out the glaring grammatical error on the shirt, so the company responded with this:

I can't decide if they're screwing with us or if they're really that stupid.

Hollywood Slam - January 26, 2011

Not since the night I drank White Russians AND Colt 45 have I encountered two things that mix as poorly as Courtney Love and higher education.  But apparently some genius at Oxford University doesn't agree, as Courtney has just been named Non-Executive Officer of Rock'N'Roll.  By one of the most prestigious institutions of post-secondary learning in the world!  Not bad for someone who actually has a full time live-in mechanic on staff to bolt her face on every morning. 

Our generation's Lon Chaney.

 

There just so happens to be one thing that the creator of Glee and I can agree on, and it certainly isn't the appropriate time for 30 year olds posing as teenagers to break into song en masse.  No, rather, it is the level of douchebaggery attained by Kings of Leon, who were approached to have their songs featured on an episode of the hit (whyohgodwhy) TV show.  They said no, and now Glee creator (Gleeator?) Ryan Murphy has shot back in a big way.  He sez:

 

"F**k you, Kings of Leon. They're self-centred a**holes, and they missed the big picture. They missed that a seven-year-old kid can see someone close to their age singing a Kings of Leon song, which will maybe make them want to join a glee club or pick up a musical instrument.
 

"It's like, OK, hate on arts education. You can make fun of Glee all you want, but at its heart, what we really do is turn kids on to music."

Ugh.  Who's the douchiest here?  I don't have the patience or energy to decide.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

blah BLAH blahhh

blahblahblahblahblahblahblah

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And if you're a fan of adult entertainment (and let's face it: you are), you may wanna pack your bags and hop on the next flight to France.  A TV station there has begun broadcasting 3D porn.  I believe this is a sign of the Apocalypse, as in the world is over and we are now all in Heaven.  Some people wouldn't agree - I mean, okay, porn can be kinda grody depending on the quality and legality of the content - but I think as long as all the male actors agree to yell "TACK" before they turn around, we should all be okay.

Top image:  People viewing 3D porn for the first time.

Bottom image:  Their O faces.

      

 

Hollywood Slam - January 25, 2011

If you had the chops to be a rock star, would you chase the spotlight or pick a different career?  Lots of famous musicians have other talents (I'm not talking about the ability to snort ANYTHING, a la Keith Richards) and have to give up one dream to chase another.


Jack White admits that he once aspired to be a Catholic priest. Y'know, apart from the whole celibacy thing, being a priest does sound kinda badass.  You get to be in this top secret brotherhood thingy that murders people!  Er wait, that was just that terrible Tom Hanks movie.  Anyway, obviously Jack didn't become a priest.  He eventually discovered Meg White's awe-inspiring breasts and plus, that last button on his frock was really hard to do up.

 It always was the hardest button to button.

 Reaching #1 on the album charts = a good thing.  Breaking a record to get to the #1 spot = also a good thing.  Breaking the record for lowest number of albums sold to hit #1 = a really, really shitty thing.  That was the dubious honour awarded to Cake this week.  Their latest album, Showroom of Compassion, is number one on on the Billboard album charts with only 44,000 copies sold.  Turns out the music industry can't keep cranking out shiny crap every year (ie albums with 1 or 2 good songs and then 8-10 filler songs) and expect the purchasing masses to not tune out.  Do you still buy CDs/vinyl or do you just download singles since you pretty much know the rest of the record will blow?

 Even this cake could have sold more copies. And this cake sucks (sorry George).

I know a lot of people who are fans of The Matrix.  I know a few people who are fans of The Matrix Reloaded.   I know one person who is a fan of The Matrix Revolutions, and he was declared a vegetable in 1997.  Rumours broke out this week that the Wachowski brothers were going to shoot another few hundred hours' worth of footage of Keanu Reeves staring blankly into the camera and some bad guys shooting holes in the ceiling, or at least enough tape for 2 more installments of the Matrix series.  Fortunately for all of us, it turns out that it was just a rumour.  

What are you talking about?  I love The Matrix Revolutions!

...and the Oscar nomination goes to...

Best Picture

'Black Swan'
'The Fighter'
'Inception'
'The Kids Are All Right'
'The King’s Speech'
'127 Hours'
'The Social Network'
'Toy Story 3'
'True Grit'
'Winter’s Bone'

Best Director

Darren Aronofsky, 'Black Swan'
David O'Russell, 'The Fighter'
Tom Hooper, 'The King's Speech'
David Fincher, 'The Social Network'
Joel and Ethan Coen, 'True Grit'

Best Actor

Javier Bardem, 'Biutiful'
Jeff Bridges, 'True Grit'
Jesse Eisenberg, 'The Social Network'
Colin Firth, 'The King's Speech'
James Franco, '127 Hours'

Best Actress

Annette Bening, 'The Kids Are All Right'
Nicole Kidman, 'Rabbit Hole'
Jennifer Lawrence, 'Winter's Bone'
Natalie Portman, 'Black Swan'
Michelle Williams, 'Blue Valentine'

Best Supporting Actor

Christian Bale, 'The Fighter'
John Hawkes, 'Winter's Bone'
Jeremy Renner, 'The Town'
Mark Ruffalo, 'The Kids Are All Right'
Geoffrey Rush, 'The King's Speech'

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams, 'The Fighter'
Helena Bonham Carter, 'The King's Speech'
Melissa Leo, 'The Fighter'
Hailee Steinfeld, 'True Grit'
Jacki Weaver, 'Animal Kingdom'

Best Animated Feature Film

'How to Train Your Dragon'
'Illusionist'
'Toy Story 3'

Best Foreign Film

Mexico - 'Biutiful'
Greece - 'Dogtooth'
Denmark - 'In a Better World'
Canada - 'Incendies'
Algeria - 'Outside the law'

I deleted the screenplay categories because, quite frankly, no one gives a crap.

The big category, of course, is Best Picture.  A lot of good flicks in the running.  I personally liked Inception best of all the ones I've seen, but here's why Black Swan will win:

Gig. Git. Ty.

Hollywood Slam - January 24, 2011

There really isn't any magical formula for success in the music industry, but there are a few ground rules that it doesn't hurt to follow:  assemble a stellar talented lineup (doesn't have to be good-looking, as evidenced by Neon Trees), create buzz around your band, put out a solid album, tour to support that album, wipe hands on pants, repeat as desired.  But if you're R.E.M., I guess you can afford to give a big ol' middle finger to convention after you've paid your dues.  We've heard their new track Mine Smell Like Honey (waaaaaay TMI, if you ask me) on Live in the past couple of weeks - it will appear on their new album Collapse Into Now, due out in March.

Here's where step 4 SHOULD come in, but their manager pretty much said eff it and call it a day.  They will not be touring in support of the album, sad news for those who were hoping to see another R.E.M. show and eliciting a resounding MEH from those of us who weren't gonna see them anyway.  However, the announcement is fueling rumours that they may appear for a surprise one-off show at Coachella.  Speaking of which, check out our new website poll and tell us which artist you'd be most stoked to see at the music festival!

 Michael Stipe doesn't need your money.  He knows MAGIC

It always comes as a bit of a surprise when we find out that super-rich celebs have the same problems as us - financial troubles, relationships gone sour, and psoriasis.  Liam Gallagher suffers from the flaky skin affliction and recently shared this gross-out story: a fan thought that the flakes coming from Liam's hair were cocaine and snorted them.  The most important part of this story - whether or not you can actually get high from a Gallagher brother's dandruff flakes - was sadly omitted.

 I wouldn't snort his dandruff, but I would shoot tequila off of those abs.

And finally, proof that Mother Nature hates Creed as much as I do.  A teenaged boy in Norway was walking home from school, minding his own damn business, when a pack of wolves was all HEY WUT UP WE'RE GONNA EAT YOU LOL!  And the kid was like AWWW NO YOU AIN'T and heroically ripped out his iPod headphones, put on some shitty Creed, and turned the volume up to 11.  Believe it or not, the wolves turned around and walked away.  So either Creed really is the worst sound known to all creatures of Earth or Scott Stapp is some kind of magical wolf commander.  You be the judge.

"With Arms Wide Open?!  AWW HELL NAW!"